Monday, March 23, 2009

After Britishers, Congress drives Cricket back to Britain

With the IPL to be played in England, the Congress Party has successfully managed to chase the British game of cricket out of India. In a long drawn out struggle, the Party fought valiantly to wipe out all vestiges of the British, including the game of cricket. Mass movement were led which insisted that Indians play Indian games like Kabbadi, Kho kho and ‘Will Your Paan Spit Hit the Wall?’ and tonnes of foreign-made sports equipment were burnt (including abdominal guards, which were anyways too big for us)

The Congress President was triumphant as she announced that, “India does not need European imports, thank you.”

IPL authorities, decried for being agents of imperialism, faced up to the defeat as best they could. Vijay Mallya, wearing Gandhi’s spectacles, criticised the Indian government for being short-sighted. “We had no choice but to Quit India,” he said.

Another IPL team owner, Shahrukh Khan, was shot while he was trying to broker peace. The country erupted in joy at the news that the asshole was no more and promptly went and watched Anurag Kashyap’s latest release, ‘Gulaal’. However, his last two words will forever live on in our memory as he was killed trying to make the world a better place for himself: “Karan Johar”.

Indians living abroad, however, have reacted positively to the news. Said London-based Ravi Kumar: “The IPL was born in India but migrated abroad as soon as it got the chance. This proves that the IPL is as Indian as they come.”

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Blame Game

In Life, the Universe and Everything, Douglas Adams tells us the story of the residents of the planet Krikket—Krikketers. The Krikketers had never imagined that a Universe could exist outside their little planet. Due to a certain chain of events, however, when they did discover than many worlds lay outside of their little planet, they were shocked. So they resolved to do the only thing possible to get things to fit their world view: they would destroy the rest of the Universe.

Although I doubt it, Douglas Adams could very well have been writing of the terrorists who have been quite a nuisance for the world of late. Unable to accept a world that doesn't fit in with their view of what it should be like, they've calmly decided to annihilate. And of course, in what completes my analogy, these terrorists types are the prime suspects in the attack on the Lankan cricketers that took place in Lahore.

Incidentally and interestingly, most Indians reacted to this attack with a mixture of outrage and, also, a rather overwhelming feeling of schadenfreude. Newspapers pontificated about Pakistan's imminent demise, the Congress compared the country to Somalia and users on Rediff (always a reliable barometer of public mood) praised the BCCI for pulling India out of the tour.

It could always be argued, however, that all this is very much par for the course. In a Blue Star-esque twist, Pakistan's heartland is now under attack from the same forces which it supported to try and push its agenda in India as well as Afghanistan. A little bit of glee with Pakistan in such hot water is but natural. Boys, after all, will be boys.

However, most Indians don't realise that bad as Pakistan is to have as a neighbour, the take-over of the country by these Jihadi jokers spells even more bad news as far as India is concerned. At the end of the day, there can be only thing worse than having Pakistan as a neighbour—and that's having no state as a neighbour on our west.

Of course, in a heartwarming show of solidarity with the Indians, quite a few Pakistanis have also behaved quite daftly. Everyone from RAW to Mossad as well as the odd actual terrorist was blamed. As late as Friday, Pakistan's Interior Minter went on record saying that the "foreign hand" cannot be ruled.

Taken at face value, that's perfectly all right. I mean, let's face it, neither you nor I will ever know the whole truth behind this attack or any of the other stuff that keeps on happening which involve the powers that be. So let me take this opportunity to offer a bit of unsolicited advice to the Pakistanis. In this situation, they should do what every God-fearing, honest man would do when he doesn't know the truth—invent his own.

As it is a couple of months back everybody in Pakistan was going on about how terrorism is a problem that affects Pakistan more than any other country in the world. Terrorism might be just a problem for everyone else, went the argument, but its an existential threat for Pakistan. However, quite a few Pakistanis, it seems, weren't convinced. The happenings in the county's north where girl's schools were destroyed, indestructible radio stations set up and people killed for not hiking up their shalwars still left some people with a reasonable amount of doubt as to just what these bearded chaps were up to.

So as I see it, this this very unfortunate attack gives Pakistan an opportunity to once and for all paint these terrorists as the Calibans of out times—savage monsters who will stop at nothing to people the planet with little Calibans. And what better way to convince the people of Pakistan of their true intentions that by showing them how these brutes would even attack a team of friendly and harmless cricketers thereby bringing international cricket in Pakistan to a standstill.

You never know, this attack might just be what the doctor ordered for Pakistan. All Pakistan has to do now is to blame the right people.